I’m excited to report that I’ve now worked out four days in a row. It’s been quite a long time since I’ve done that. I’ve done this in spite of a calf injury that I sustained Thursday when I increased the incline on the treadmill a little too high for a semi-beginner. Normally, I would’ve used that as an excuse to stop for a few days, then probably would’ve wound up quitting altogether.
I’ve been mixing up my routine to keep things interesting. On the days I’m not at the gym with my friend, I’ve been rotating between Jillian Michaels, Hip Hop Abs, and other random things I’ve found online. I’m finally becoming the type of person who enjoys working out.
More important than pushing through the physical pain, I woke up this morning depressed. I literally couldn’t find any reason worth getting out of bed for. I don’t know if it’s because it’s Easter and I’m all alone or what. Truth be told, I’ve dealt with bouts of depression since I was about 13 and so I know it comes and goes but today was just rough all around. So the fact that I finally kicked my own ass out of bed and worked out felt like a victory. And tomorrow will be a better day.
If you ask ten different people why they want to get fit, you’ll probably get ten different answers. There’s so many reasons to want to change your life for the better so, to remind myself and maybe hopefully inspire anyone who comes across this, I’m detailing why I will get fit - not “want” to get fit, but WILL get fit - and these are in no particular order.
Health: My family has so many health problems, it really isn’t funny. Heart disease, diabetes, cancer, you name it. You would think my parents would have placed a higher importance on health growing up but Spanish people love to eat. (It’s more than a love of food though; it’s the togetherness that it brings.) Both of my mom’s parents died of heart attacks. My mom’s sister has diabetes. Come to think of it, I think my maternal grandma did too. Add all of that up and it’s a recipe for disaster, so why stack the odds up against myself even more? I hate needles and I don’t think I could do it if I had to give myself insulin shots daily.
Visibility: I’ve been “the chubby friend” for so long, I’ve almost forgotten what it’s like to be the center of attention. Maybe that’s why I’m an overachiever at work. If I can’t be the hottest, then damn it, I’ll be the hardest worker and the most knowledgeable one there. I mean, why can’t I be all of those things? For so long, I’ve been so self-conscious that I’ve done whatever I could to blend into the background because I did not want any attention thrust onto me. Attention means people dissecting and judging you.
Vanity: As a young female, I want to be able to wear cute clothes without worrying if people are like, “She should not be wearing that!” I don’t want to have to constantly tug at my shirts so they aren’t hugging my chub. I don’t want to have to avoid tank tops because I hate my arms. I don’t want to have to avoid skirts, shorts, and dresses because I hate my legs - hello, I live in Florida! Do you know how much it sucks to wear jeans 365 days a year? A LOT. And I don’t want to avoid the beach because it means wearing a bathing suit and feeling self-conscious and uncomfortable the entire time. I’m wearing XL tops and size 15 pants and those are becoming tight. I am dangerously close to having to shop in the plus sizes department and I never want to be my reality.
Self-Esteem: I’m sick of feeling bad about myself. I’m sick of being miserable. I want to walk into a room and not be self-conscious. I want to put myself out there and meet new people but I know that my weight makes it so that I can never relax and be myself, which results in me staying quiet and being withdrawn, and I know I’m not the introvert I appear to be. I just lack the confidence to do that sort of thing. And I know that this one’s a change that comes from within - all the exercise in the world isn’t going to make you love yourself. I have to do the internal work and realize that I have value, I am worthy of love and respect, I am a good person.
That being said, I’m happy to report that I’ve lost a whopping three pounds. It’s a small victory, but a victory nevertheless. My short-term goal right now is to lose 15 pounds by the start of summer (June 21st) and I know I’m on my way. I’ve been working out regularly. Now all that’s left to do is get my eating habits on point. I swear, every time I think I’m making progress on that front, I binge and eat a bunch of cookies. But there’s no sense in beating myself up about what’s in the past. All I can do is try again.